How should Reformed Christians conduct weddings and funerals in an age when everything, even ancient rituals, has deconstructed? The American impulse is to start from scratch, as though no one has ever thought about these things before. Scholars describe this way of doing things as biblicism.The Christian instinct, however, should be (and historically has been) to read the Scripture with the church. The major theological and ecclesiogical issue is whether functions such as weddings and funerals belong to the church or whether they are private, family events. On this there is a difference of opinion among the confessional Presbyterian and Reformed churches. The Dutch Reformed churches descending from the Afscheiding (separating) of 1834 in the Netherlands have tended to treat these events as private or family events in which a minister presides but which are not properly ecclesiastical in nature. How one resolves this question will affect significantly how these events are conducted and when (e.g. on the Lord’s Day or not).
Below is a collection of Reformed resources on questions related to weddings and funerals compiled to provide some guidance to Christian families, seminary students, ruling elders, and pastors as they work through questions related to marking these great events in the lives of their families and church members.
Table of Contents
- Church Orders etc
- Articles and Podcasts
- Sources
Church Orders, Directories, And Orders Of Worship
Church Oder of the Synod of Dort (1619)
70. Since it is found that up to the present various customs are everywhere observed in matrimonial matters, and because it is fitting to practice uniformity in this, the churches shall keep the custom which they have to this time observed, conformable to God’s Word and previous ecclesiastical ordinances, until a general ordinance shall be made for this by the government with advice of the ministers (which shall be requested immediately) to which this church order refers in this article.
Westminster Directory for Publick Worship (1644)
The Solemnization of Marriage.
ALTHOUGH marriage be no sacrament, nor peculiar to the church of God, but common to mankind, and of publick interest in every commonwealth; yet, because such as marry are to marry in the Lord, and have special need of instruction, direction, and exhortation, from the word of God, at their entering into such a new condition, and of the blessing of God upon them therein, we judge it expedient that marriage be solemnized by a lawful minister of the word, that he may accordingly counsel them, and pray for a blessing upon them.
Marriage is to be betwixt one man and one woman only; and they such as are not within the degrees of consanguinity or affinity prohibited by the word of God; and the parties are to be of years of discretion, fit to make their own choice, or, upon good grounds, to give their mutual consent.
Before the solemnizing of marriage between any persons, the purpose of marriage shall be published by the minister three several sabbath-days, in the congregation, at the place or places of their most usual and constant abode, respectively. And of this publication the minister who is to join them in marriage shall have sufficient testimony, before he proceed to solemnize the marriage.
Before that publication of such their purpose, (if the parties be under age,) the consent of the parents, or others under whose power they are, (in case the parents be dead,) is to be made known to the church officers of that congregation, to be recorded.
The like is to be observed in the proceedings of all others, although of age, whose parents are living, for their first marriage.
And, in after marriages of either of those parties, they shall be exhorted not to contract marriage without first acquainting their parents with it, (if with conveniency it may be done,) endeavouring to obtain their consent.
Parents ought not to force their children to marry without their free consent, nor deny their own consent without just cause.
After the purpose or contract of marriage hath been thus published, the marriage is not to be long deferred. Therefore the minister, having had convenient warning, and nothing being objected to hinder it, is publickly to solemnize it in the place appointed by authority for publick worship, before a competent number of credible witnesses, at some convenient hour of the day, at any time of the year, except on a day of publick humiliation. And we advise that it be not on the Lord’s day.
And because all relations are sanctified by the word and prayer, the minister is to pray for a blessing upon them, to this effect:
“Acknowledging our sins, whereby we have made ourselves less than the least of all the mercies of God, and provoked him to embitter all our comforts; earnestly, in the name of Christ, to entreat the Lord (whose presence and favour is the happiness of every condition, and sweetens every relation) to be their portion, and to own and accept them in Christ, who are now to be joined in the honourable estate of marriage, the covenant of their God: and that, as he hath brought them together by his providence, he would sanctify them by his Spirit, giving them a new frame of heart fit for their new estate; enriching them with all graces whereby they may perform the duties, enjoy the comforts, undergo the cares, and resist the temptations which accompany that condition, as becometh Christians.”
The prayer being ended, it is convenient that the minister do briefly declare unto them, out of the scripture,
“The institution, use, and ends of marriage, with the conjugal duties, which, in all faithfulness, they are to perform each to other; exhorting them to study the holy word of God, that they may learn to live by faith, and to be content in the midst of all marriage cares and troubles, sanctifying God’s name, in a thankful, sober, and holy use of all conjugal comforts; praying much with and for one another; watching over and provoking each other to love and good works; and to live together as the heirs of the grace of life.”
After solemn charging of the persons to be married, before the great God, who searcheth all hearts, and to whom they must give a strict account at the last day, that if either of them know any cause, by precontract or otherwise, why they may not lawfully proceed to marriage, that they now discover it; the minister (if no impediment be acknowledged) shall cause first the man to take the woman by the right hand, saying these words:
I N. do take thee N. to be my married wife, and do, in the presence of God, and before this congregation, promise and covenant to be a loving and faithful husband unto thee, until God shall separate us by death.
Then the woman shall take the man by the right hand, and say these words:
I N. do take thee N. to be my married husband, and I do, in the presence of God, and before this congregation, promise and covenant to be a loving, faithful, and obedient wife unto thee, until God shall separate us by death.
Then, without any further ceremony, the minister shall, in the face of the congregation, pronounce them to be husband and wife, according to God’s ordinance; and so conclude the action with prayer to this effect:
“That the Lord would be pleased to accompany his own ordinance with his blessing, beseeching him to enrich the persons now married, as with other pledges of his love, so particularly with the comforts and fruits of marriage, to the praise of his abundant mercy, in and through Christ Jesus.”
A register is to be carefully kept, wherein the names of the parties so married, with the time of their marriage, are forthwith to be fairly recorded in a book provided for that purpose, for the perusal of all whom it may concern.
Concerning Burial of the Dead.
WHEN any person departeth this life, let the dead body, upon the day of burial, be decently attended from the house to the place appointed for publick burial, and there immediately interred, without any ceremony.
And because the custom of kneeling down, and praying by or towards the dead corpse, and other such usages, in the place where it lies before it be carried to burial, are superstitious; and for that praying, reading, and singing, both in going to and at the grave, have been grossly abused, are no way beneficial to the dead, and have proved many ways hurtful to the living; therefore let all such things be laid aside.
Howbeit, we judge it very convenient, that the Christian friends, which accompany the dead body to the place appointed for publick burial, do apply themselves to meditations and conferences suitable to the occasion and that the minister, as upon other occasions, so at this time, if he be present, may put them in remembrance of their duty.
That this shall not extend to deny any civil respects or deferences at the burial, suitable to the rank and condition of the party deceased, while he was living.
Church Order of the United Reformed Churches
Article 48 – Marriage
Scripture teaches that marriage is designed to be a lifelong, monogamous covenantal union between one man and one woman. Consistories shall instruct and admonish those under their spiritual care who are considering marriage to marry in the Lord. Christian marriages shall be solemnized with appropriate admonitions, promises, and prayers, under the regulation of the Consistory, with the use of the appropriate liturgical form. Ministers shall not solemnize marriages that conflict with the Word of God.
Article 49 – Funerals
A Christian funeral is neither a service of corporate worship nor subject to ecclesiastical government, but is a family matter, and should be conducted accordingly.
Liturgical Forms Of The United Reformed Churches in North America
Solemnization of Marriage – Form 1
The following announcement may be made on the previous Sunday:
The Consistory announces that __________ and __________ have indicated their intention to enter into the holy bond of marriage, according to the ordinance of God. They desire to begin this holy state in the name of the Lord and to complete it to His glory. If no lawful objection is brought forward, the ceremony will take place, Lord willing, on __________.
The officiant shall say:
We are assembled here in the presence of God for the purpose of joining in marriage __________ and __________. Since the Consistory has received no lawful objections, we may now proceed to the solemnization of their marriage in the name of the Lord. Therefore, let us reverently call to mind what the Word of God teaches us about marriage.
Instruction
The holy bond of marriage was instituted by God at the very beginning of history. He created man in His own image, supplied him with many blessings, gave him dominion over all things, and said: “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Gen. 2:18). “So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, ‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:21–24). We therefore believe that in marriage God gives a man and a woman to each other as husband and wife, and, as an institution of God, it must be held in honor among all. Since they are united by His hand, nothing shall separate them in this life.
Our Lord Jesus honored marriage by His presence at the wedding in Cana, and confirmed it as an institution of God, as an honorable state, and as a lasting bond when He declared, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matt. 19:6). God has made marriage a strong bond, He “hates divorce” (Mal. 2:16), and our Lord Jesus Christ explains in these words: “Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery” (Matt. 19:9). Since the Lord forbids immorality, “each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband” (1 Cor. 7:2), so that our bodies may be preserved as “a temple of the Holy Spirit” (1 Cor. 6:19) and we may “glorify God in [our] body” (1 Cor. 6:20). The apostle Paul shows the exalted nature of marriage when he calls it a symbol of the mystical union of the Savior and the church, His redeemed bride, commending it as a state honorable among all.
The Word of God also teaches us the purpose of marriage. First, husband and wife shall live together in sincere love and holiness, helping each other faithfully in all things. Secondly, by marriage the human race is to be continued and increased. Thirdly, by marriage the advancement of the kingdom of God is to be promoted. This purpose calls for loving devotion to each other and a common responsibility for the nurturing of children in the true knowledge and fear of the Lord, which the Lord may give them as His heritage and as parties to His covenant.
For the home which marriage establishes, the Lord ordained that the man should be the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and that he should protect her and provide for her in love—a love which, if exercised in the Spirit and after the example of Christ, will be conducive to mutual happiness. God also ordained that the wife should be subject to the husband in all things according to His Word, showing him respect even as the church does to Christ. Thus the liberty of both husband and wife is glorified by mutual loyalty to God’s law. A home so begun in the name of the Lord and regulated by His commandments becomes the very foundation of a Christian society and affords a foretaste of the eternal home.
Marriage, then, is a divine ordinance intended to be a source of happiness, an institution of the highest significance to the human race, and a symbol of the union of Christ and his church. We may, therefore, as Christians, look with confidence for grace in the discharge of our mutual responsibilities and for guidance and help in our common difficulties and trials.
Statement of Intent
And now, __________ and __________, having heard from the Word of God the teaching concerning marriage, do you agree with it, and do you desire to enter into this holy state of marriage as ordained by God?
Groom: I do.
Bride: I do.
May the Lord confirm the desire and purpose of your hearts, and may your beginning be in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
Vows
To the groom (repeating after the minister):
I, __________, take you, __________, to be my wife. I promise before God, and all who are present here, to be your loving and faithful husband. I will love you and give myself up for you, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in riches and in poverty, in sickness and in health. I will serve you with tenderness and respect, and encourage you to develop the gifts that God has given you, and never forsake you, as long as we both shall live.
To the bride (repeating after the minister):
I, __________, take you, __________, to be my husband. I promise before God, and all who are present here, to be your loving and faithful wife. I will love you and submit to you, as the church loves and submits to Christ. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in riches and in poverty, in sickness and in health. I will serve you with tenderness and respect, and encourage you to develop the gifts that God has given you, and never forsake you, as long as we both shall live.
Ring Ceremony
To the groom:
Do you give this ring as a symbol of your constant faithfulness and abiding love?
Groom: I do.
Optional: I give you this ring as a symbol of my constant faithfulness and abiding love.
To the bride:
Do you give this ring as a symbol of your constant faithfulness and abiding love?
Bride: I do.
Optional: I give you this ring as a symbol of my constant faithfulness and abiding love.
Pronouncement
I now pronounce you, _________ and _________, husband and wife, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. What therefore God has joined together, let no one separate. From this day forward, as you travel life’s pathway together, may the Father of all mercies, who of His grace has called you to this holy state of marriage, bind you together in true love and faithfulness and grant you His blessing.
__________ and __________, since we cannot expect anything from ourselves, you shall kneel before the Lord and we shall pray with you and for you that He may enable you to fulfill your vows and grant you His blessing.
Prayer
Most merciful and gracious God, of whom the whole family of heaven and earth is named, we ask You to set your seal of approval upon the marriage which our brother and sister have begun this day. Give them Your fatherly benediction; grant them grace and Your Holy Spirit to fulfill with pure and constant affection the vow and covenant made between them. Guide them in the way of righteousness and peace, that, loving and serving You with one mind and heart all the days of their life, they may be abundantly enriched with the tokens of Your everlasting favor in Christ Jesus our Lord.
In all of life’s experiences, lift up Your countenance upon them, that they may be thankful in prosperity and patient in adversity. May their marriage be fruitful. Grant them wisdom and strength to build a home which shall be to the glory of Your name and the coming of Your kingdom. May they live together many years, and in the hour of death may they part in the blessed hope of celebrating forever with all the saints of God the marriage of Christ and the church He loved. Hear our prayer in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, who taught us to pray, saying:
Congregation:
Our Father who is in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever. Amen.
Solemnization of Marriage – Form 2
After the processional, the officiant shall say:
Dear family members and friends,
We have come into God’s presence to join in marriage ____________ and ____________. In doing so, we seek to honor the will of God for marriage, the concern of the Christian church for its well-being, and the interest of the state in the orderly development of society. That we may do so, let us seek God’s favor and blessing upon this blessed ceremony.
Prayer of Invocation
God, our Father, we praise You for making and redeeming us to live together in love. We thank You for the love and trust which bring __________ and __________ to this, their wedding day. Favor them with the honor of Your presence, and unite them by Your Spirit, so that together they may reflect the love of Christ for His church and the church’s devotion to her Savior. We ask this in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Parting from Parents (giving of bride optional)
Today __________ and __________ leave their parents to establish a new home.
Do you, Mr. and Mrs. __________, give your blessing to them and promise to uphold them in their pledge of love and fidelity to each other?
They answer: We do (God helping us).
Do you, Mr. and Mrs. __________, give your blessing to them and promise to uphold them in their pledge of love and fidelity to each other?
They answer: We do (God helping us).
Optional: Who gives this woman to this man?
Father/guardian answers: I do (or: Her mother and I do, or We do).
Institution and Meaning of Marriage
Dear Christian friends, since we have received no lawful objections to this proposed union, it is fitting that we call to mind the institution, purpose, and obligations of marriage as taught in God’s Word.
The holy bond of marriage was instituted by God Himself at the beginning. God made man after His own image, and gave to him the blessing and task to exercise dominion over all things. In so doing, God said: “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Gen. 2:18). And so God created woman of man’s own substance and brought her to the man. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).
Our Lord Jesus Christ confirmed the blessedness of marriage, declaring it to be a lasting union, when he said, “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matt. 19:6). The apostle Paul shows the exalted significance of marriage when he calls the union of husband and wife a symbol of the mystic union between Christ and His church (Eph. 5:31–32). Thus, we learn that marriage is well-pleasing to God and most honorable to all who maintain it with mutual love and fidelity.
In marriage, as instituted by God, a man and a woman covenant to live together in a lifelong, exclusive partnership of love and fidelity (Gen. 2:18; Matt. 19:5–6). If marriage is to be pleasing in the sight of God, those who enter into this covenant of life must share a common commitment to the Lord of life.
In putting His blessing on marriage, God’s purpose was to provide a context within which husband and wife can help and comfort each other and find mutual companionship before the Lord, a setting within which they may give loving and tender expression to the desires He gave them, a secure environment within which children may be born and taught to know and serve the Lord, a structure that enriches society and contributes to its orderly function, and a relationship that serves to further His kingdom and bring Him glory.
Indeed, when these purposes are prayerfully pursued in union with Christ, the kingdom of God is advanced, and the blessedness of husband and wife is assured.
The institution and purpose of marriage also brings with it obligations for each partner. In Ephesians 5, the apostle Paul admonishes all Christians to develop a mutual respect and love, when he says, “[Submit] to one another out of reverence for Christ” (verse 21). When he applies this to the marriage relationship, he instructs the wife to be subject to her husband as the church is subject to Christ, its head. He also instructs the husband to pattern his love for his wife after the example of Christ’s love for His body, the church. Paul says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (verse 22), and, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (verse 25). In marriage, this requires that the husband and wife serve each other by providing the love, respect, and faith that will enrich their lives together and build a Christ-centered home.
Our sinful and selfish tendency to break down what God has built threatens marriage with tensions, anguish, and even broken bonds. People who marry in the Lord, however, may trust that He will lead them and graciously provide for their needs when they follow the biblical pattern for love. “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends” (1 Cor. 13:4–8).
To desire marriage, as instituted by God and ordered according to his Word, then, means that we may not enter into it carelessly or from selfish motives, but responsibly and prayerfully. It also means that we must seek God’s grace in order that we might faithfully fulfill the obligations and privileges of marriage, both in life’s joys and in its trials.
Declaration of Intent
And now, __________ and __________, understanding that God has instituted, ordered, and blessed the holy union of marriage, do you affirm this biblical teaching, and do you commit yourselves to each other in accordance with it?
Each answers: I do.
Then the officiant says:
May the Lord confirm the desire and purpose of your hearts, and may your beginning be in the name of the Lord, our Creator and Redeemer.
Vows
To the groom (repeating after the minister):
I, __________, take you, __________, to be my wife. I promise before God, and all who are present here, to be your loving and faithful husband. I will love you and give myself up for you, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in riches and in poverty, in sickness and in health. I will serve you with tenderness and respect, and encourage you to develop the gifts that God has given you, and never forsake you, as long as we both shall live.
To the bride (repeating after the minister):
I, __________, take you, __________, to be my husband. I promise before God, and all who are present here, to be your loving and faithful wife. I will love you and submit to you, as the church loves and submits to Christ. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in riches and in poverty, in sickness and in health. I will serve you with tenderness and respect, and encourage you to develop the gifts that God has given you, and never forsake you, as long as we both shall live.
Exchange of Rings (optional)
To the groom:
__________, do you give this ring as a symbol of your constant faithfulness and abiding love?
Groom: I do.
To the bride:
__________, do you give this ring as a symbol of your constant faithfulness and abiding love?
Bride: I do.
Declaration of Marriage
Thereupon the officiant says:
According to the laws of the state and the ordinances of the church of Christ, I now pronounce you, __________ and __________, husband and wife, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. What therefore God has joined together, let no one separate. From this day forward, as you travel life’s pathway together, may the Father of all mercies, who of His grace has called you to this holy state of marriage, bind you together in true love and faithfulness and grant you His blessing.<>/p
Pastor’s Message
Prayer Following the Ceremony of Marriage
Prayer Option A
Our Father in heaven, grant your blessing on __________ and ___________ in their union as husband and wife. We give You thanks for the vows they have spoken to one another and the pledge of love and fidelity in which they are now united. May they find Your love and fidelity to them the source and blessing for the promises they have expressed. We pray that Jesus Christ will ever reign as the acknowledged head of their home and the master of their lives. Gracious Father, equip them with the Holy Spirit, so that they may walk with one another in patience and serve You and each other sacrificially. Work Your grace in their marriage, so that, as husband and wife, they may express abiding kindness to one another. And grant to them a lasting trust in Jesus Christ our Lord, so that You are praised, whether in life’s abundance and joys or in life’s burdens and trials.
May their home, then, be a place of joy and security, and in times of difficulty a haven of healing and forgiveness. May they, and the children You may be pleased to give them, give constant thanks to You. Be pleased to bestow these blessings on them, our heavenly Father, who, with the Son and the Holy Spirit, our eternal God, is blessed and exalted forever. Amen.
Prayer Option B
Our most merciful and gracious God, the Creator of all life and all persons, we ask that You might be pleased to set Your seal of approval on the marriage our brother and sister have entered into today. Give them Your fatherly blessing; grant them grace and Your Holy Spirit to fulfill with pure and abiding affection their vows to one another. Guide them in the way of the gospel, of forgiveness, grace, peace, and charity, so that they may love and serve You with one mind and heart all the days of their life together. And may they be abundantly enriched with the tokens of Your everlasting favor in Christ Jesus our Lord. In all of life’s experiences, lift up Your fatherly favor on them, so that they may be thankful when life goes well and patient in adversity and trial. May their marriage be fruitful for this life and the life to come. Grant them, we ask, wisdom and strength to build a home that glorifies Your name and serves the coming of Your kingdom. May they live together many years, and in the hour of death may they part in the blessed hope of the everlasting celebration of the marriage of Christ and the church He loves. Hear our prayer, our gracious Father, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, and in the communion of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Optional: Invitation for the Groom to Kiss His Bride
Presentation of the Couple
Whereupon the officiant says:
Dear family members and friends, it is my honor to present to you, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. __________.
(The recessional follows.)
Articles and Podcasts
- R. Scott Clark, Saturday Psalm Series: The Psalm I Want Sung At My Graveside
- R. Scott Clark, You’ve Been Invited To A [Fill In The Blank]: Should You Go?
- R. Scott Clark, To Bury Or Cremate?
Sources
- The Synod Of Dort Opposed Funeral Sermons
- Trueman: May Christians Attend Gay Weddings?
- The RCUS forms for weddings and burials
- Marriage Certificate
- OPC Wedding and Burial Forms
- URNCA Liturgical Forms and Prayers
- URCNA Pastoral Advice On Human Sexuality
RESOURCES
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- The Heidelberg Catechism
- Recovering the Reformed Confession (Phillipsburg: P&R Publishing, 2008)
- Why I Am A Christian
- What Must A Christian Believe?
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